What a strange, strange day.

Lost my motivation to study this sem idk why.. Can't seem to find that usual sense of urgency which I take pride in and brought me through all the school terms my whole life.

Must be the result of planning the europe trip this whole sem and starting the divergent novels a few days ago..

Stayed up till 4/5am to chiong finish the books.. which also means that the following day I'm wasted and totally jelly for the next few days. Must be why I'm still unproductive and unmotivated now..

And I keep arranging meetups with my friends before my trip because I'm just pretty worried that I won't get to see them for a long time before I travel to a faraway land without my close friends.

Goodness gracious why am i even thinking like that, I need to be open minded and think positively!

Anyway, today I met M at clem with the intention of having breakfast tgt. And he was gonna give me a ride in his dad's car which is a beemer.

Totally stoked to ride in his car.. So so happy and privileged, even though I know I'm definitely not the only girl he does this to, he's just so nice and perfect. Anyway, he kinda said that he doesn't mind bringing along his second dslr for me to use and try if I want to! He's such a kind and unselfish individual..

That's how he builds up his arsenal of connections, his friends.. I see him meeting his friends around utown and I'm so envious cos he's really close to them and they greet each other with a manly hug! How amazing!

And today he brought me to study with a girl friend of his in Tembusu, she was really nice and friendly and I ended up having a great time, they were so inviting and easy to get along with that within moments I was just chilling and I was having a nice chat with her friend as well! goodness gracious.

Then for a moment I was just like super envious of these amazing people i'll never meet in Tembusu..

Ah well anyways, I wanted to find Sinnee in her suite but she went to biz to get a textbook so I missed her, so I wrote her a little note before I left even though I knew it was late and I had to go back and sleep if I wanted to be productive tmr..

Idk why but it seems to me that when I acknowledge the fact that studies is not at the top of my list (which is my current mood now cos of my lack of sense of urgency), I seem to be able to bring joy to people around more willingly..

The previous me would just faster zao and feel rather pissed that sinnee wasn't in her room after waiting for quite some time

I mean, I am still desperately trying to find my old Original Mugger self but at the same time, I just wished I could find a balance..

And fyi, studies was always at the top of my list last time because that was the only thing I felt I was good at. Now, I realise that's a pretty useless trait because it's not like I'm a mad genius or sth. I was just hardworking and able to grasp most science concepts easily. And I feel kinda helpless that I sacrificed so much to get here; my friends, possible wonderful experiences and new people I would never meet. But now, coming to uni, I just hope that I will be able to learn from M how he is able to have so many meaningful interactions and be able to build such wonderful relationships with the people around him. he just charms his way to other people and he's so selfless about everything!

Just when I was feeling kinda moody just now, mom also offered to help me bring lots of stuff to the office and drive the van to me early morning cos I wanna use it tmr to drive to ntu to study with the bee. so mega touched. I owe my parents everything. Really every single fucking thing.

Alright, gonna take my 1h power nap before I get up to do my stats cheat sheet. Ciao!

I hope God is kind to me tonight.

And I believe he will be.

And so, these few weeks have been pretty hectic so I didn't have time to write about it in my diary or on this space..

Just wondering where I stand amidst this crazy rat race. I have to say that I've got pretty far, scoring relatively well for previous national exams and being able to end myself up in a pretty good University that is renowned judging by world ranking (I know how controversial world rankings are) and the opportunities she offers to her students. I'm thankful for my course change, and thankful that I am given opportunities to be exposed to world culture (as long as I'm not lazy and actually go through all the hassle to apply for stuff). One limiting factor would be CAP and stuff, and I'm not going to let that keep me down. And since I'm already going for a programme this summer, I will put my plans to go for the Taiwan summer back and only apply for summer next year :)

I am confident that I am able to carve something wonderful out of this journey ahead. And this, I believe is possible only through hard work, consistency and being able to find a balance.

Strive on!

Haha I realise this blog sort of became just a place where I rant about ugly things because I don't wanna write about stuff like that in my diary:P Some updates on my life for this virtual space which I hope no one reads

I find that it's much easier to say the current course that I'm doing with pride to relatives than my previous course.. Not because the previous course is not something to be proud of, but that my new course is just much more of a better match :)

Cny's pretty alright this year I guess! Everyone's just in a good mood and actually it's even more fun this year because there's a baby who instantly entertains everyone cos he's so darn handsome and charming~

Haven't been on this space for quite some time alreadyyy. Ah well, it's not like people'll read this blog anyway! Therefore, ...

Just wanted to write about how foolish I was to announce my being attached to my friends, and then having to explain myself to the people around me when they ask about you. You whom I wanted so badly to forget and ignore but stubbornly refuse to throw away the things that remind me of us. This is because I keep telling myself I am strong and mature enough to handle this and be able to see that you were clearly not the one so I wouldn't need to rely on those cheap tricks.

I guess tell people you're attached is what people in a healthy relationship do. They feel happy and overjoyed and are proud to announce that they have someone they cherish and want people to know this wonderful person they are dating. At least, that's what I believed. So that was what I did, announcing to people I was attached and telling them about the stuff we/you would do. Because I had the confidence that you were someone who would protect me and make me happy, and I would want people to know that we're together.

But that wasn't what you did, I felt. Maybe because you saw it coming. Maybe because you knew it was going to be over so you should minimise all this. But I was never prepared. At one point in time I actually was and I saw it coming but I convinced myself over the course of 2 weeks that you weren't so unreasonable and irrational, I mean dude, "lost the feeling and I don't know why"?!. That's why I cried when you actually told me that. Because up to the second before you told me we should break up, I was confident you won't do it. Yes.. if only I knew how to be that confident when it comes to all other aspects of my life.

I hate it that every now and then I have to explain to people that I'm no longer with you when they decide to ask about us. I can't even see my econs camp friends face to face because it's so ridiculous that I have to break the news to them that I'm no longer with you and bear their empathetic looks and their asking "are you okay?" when clearly I am. And much of the econs camp was built on all this share-your-relationship-information-because-if-you-wanna-be-close-you-share which was with you, so they tend to ask about you most. Guess it's time to tell them the "don't wanna talk about it story" nana suggested.

The reason why I'm ranting about this is because Jingxian, whom I adore, would always ask me about comms ball and comms parade, cos she assumes I'm going. And she just asked me if I was going. And she would tell me the date. Which I totally wouldn't mind if I were actually attached because that's really sweet (coming from her POV). But I'm fucking not and whenever she tells me the brain my scumbag brain would make a mental note even though I make an effort to forget it. The last date she told me (19jan) was such a horrific, bad day. This time, I know what to do already, I'll keep myself busy and meet people like I always do a few times a week.

Time to remove all the stupid items from plain sight.

And fyi, this is not how I feel all the time, it's only that select few moments per week then I'll suddenly think of you. I'm just ranting cos two separate people asked me about you today. Gosh.

The actual day of the Heartland Tour was yesterday!

After a month of preparation it finally came down to the actual event and boy, was the turnout rate for both facilitators and participants good! Really must thank all of them and jiajia for helping me get so many ppl:)

Super tired yesterday, went to sleep at 1+, woke up at 8.30 for work. In the end I took an afternoon nap from 2.30-4pm :o exhausteddd!

Ate at Malaysia Boleh for lunch and saw Siewsy working. Oh, and Malaysia boleh is really yumz!!! The char kway teow was SO GOOD, and the oyster omelette and claypot rice as well!

Rawr school's starting next week. Can't wait! And I'll be overloading German in the end. Haha! Still considering whether i should take the 8-10am lesson or the 4-6pm one.. Hmm.

Sometimes I really wonder if you're thinking about me like how crazily I'm thinking of you..

Feeling the urge to just contact you and ask how you're doing but resisting it so much cos I know you're most likely having a good time without me anyway. And nothing good will come out of contacting you anyway, because I need to learn how to live without you dominating my thoughts.

First post of 2014!

What a strange, strange day.

Lost my motivation to study this sem idk why.. Can't seem to find that usual sense of urgency which I take pride in and brought me through all the school terms my whole life.

Must be the result of planning the europe trip this whole sem and starting the divergent novels a few days ago..

Stayed up till 4/5am to chiong finish the books.. which also means that the following day I'm wasted and totally jelly for the next few days. Must be why I'm still unproductive and unmotivated now..

And I keep arranging meetups with my friends before my trip because I'm just pretty worried that I won't get to see them for a long time before I travel to a faraway land without my close friends.

Goodness gracious why am i even thinking like that, I need to be open minded and think positively!

Anyway, today I met M at clem with the intention of having breakfast tgt. And he was gonna give me a ride in his dad's car which is a beemer.

Totally stoked to ride in his car.. So so happy and privileged, even though I know I'm definitely not the only girl he does this to, he's just so nice and perfect. Anyway, he kinda said that he doesn't mind bringing along his second dslr for me to use and try if I want to! He's such a kind and unselfish individual..

That's how he builds up his arsenal of connections, his friends.. I see him meeting his friends around utown and I'm so envious cos he's really close to them and they greet each other with a manly hug! How amazing!

And today he brought me to study with a girl friend of his in Tembusu, she was really nice and friendly and I ended up having a great time, they were so inviting and easy to get along with that within moments I was just chilling and I was having a nice chat with her friend as well! goodness gracious.

Then for a moment I was just like super envious of these amazing people i'll never meet in Tembusu..

Ah well anyways, I wanted to find Sinnee in her suite but she went to biz to get a textbook so I missed her, so I wrote her a little note before I left even though I knew it was late and I had to go back and sleep if I wanted to be productive tmr..

Idk why but it seems to me that when I acknowledge the fact that studies is not at the top of my list (which is my current mood now cos of my lack of sense of urgency), I seem to be able to bring joy to people around more willingly..

The previous me would just faster zao and feel rather pissed that sinnee wasn't in her room after waiting for quite some time

I mean, I am still desperately trying to find my old Original Mugger self but at the same time, I just wished I could find a balance..

And fyi, studies was always at the top of my list last time because that was the only thing I felt I was good at. Now, I realise that's a pretty useless trait because it's not like I'm a mad genius or sth. I was just hardworking and able to grasp most science concepts easily. And I feel kinda helpless that I sacrificed so much to get here; my friends, possible wonderful experiences and new people I would never meet. But now, coming to uni, I just hope that I will be able to learn from M how he is able to have so many meaningful interactions and be able to build such wonderful relationships with the people around him. he just charms his way to other people and he's so selfless about everything!

Just when I was feeling kinda moody just now, mom also offered to help me bring lots of stuff to the office and drive the van to me early morning cos I wanna use it tmr to drive to ntu to study with the bee. so mega touched. I owe my parents everything. Really every single fucking thing.

Alright, gonna take my 1h power nap before I get up to do my stats cheat sheet. Ciao!

I hope God is kind to me tonight.

And I believe he will be.

And so, these few weeks have been pretty hectic so I didn't have time to write about it in my diary or on this space..

Just wondering where I stand amidst this crazy rat race. I have to say that I've got pretty far, scoring relatively well for previous national exams and being able to end myself up in a pretty good University that is renowned judging by world ranking (I know how controversial world rankings are) and the opportunities she offers to her students. I'm thankful for my course change, and thankful that I am given opportunities to be exposed to world culture (as long as I'm not lazy and actually go through all the hassle to apply for stuff). One limiting factor would be CAP and stuff, and I'm not going to let that keep me down. And since I'm already going for a programme this summer, I will put my plans to go for the Taiwan summer back and only apply for summer next year :)

I am confident that I am able to carve something wonderful out of this journey ahead. And this, I believe is possible only through hard work, consistency and being able to find a balance.

Strive on!

Haha I realise this blog sort of became just a place where I rant about ugly things because I don't wanna write about stuff like that in my diary:P Some updates on my life for this virtual space which I hope no one reads

I find that it's much easier to say the current course that I'm doing with pride to relatives than my previous course.. Not because the previous course is not something to be proud of, but that my new course is just much more of a better match :)

Cny's pretty alright this year I guess! Everyone's just in a good mood and actually it's even more fun this year because there's a baby who instantly entertains everyone cos he's so darn handsome and charming~

Haven't been on this space for quite some time alreadyyy. Ah well, it's not like people'll read this blog anyway! Therefore, ...

Just wanted to write about how foolish I was to announce my being attached to my friends, and then having to explain myself to the people around me when they ask about you. You whom I wanted so badly to forget and ignore but stubbornly refuse to throw away the things that remind me of us. This is because I keep telling myself I am strong and mature enough to handle this and be able to see that you were clearly not the one so I wouldn't need to rely on those cheap tricks.

I guess tell people you're attached is what people in a healthy relationship do. They feel happy and overjoyed and are proud to announce that they have someone they cherish and want people to know this wonderful person they are dating. At least, that's what I believed. So that was what I did, announcing to people I was attached and telling them about the stuff we/you would do. Because I had the confidence that you were someone who would protect me and make me happy, and I would want people to know that we're together.

But that wasn't what you did, I felt. Maybe because you saw it coming. Maybe because you knew it was going to be over so you should minimise all this. But I was never prepared. At one point in time I actually was and I saw it coming but I convinced myself over the course of 2 weeks that you weren't so unreasonable and irrational, I mean dude, "lost the feeling and I don't know why"?!. That's why I cried when you actually told me that. Because up to the second before you told me we should break up, I was confident you won't do it. Yes.. if only I knew how to be that confident when it comes to all other aspects of my life.

I hate it that every now and then I have to explain to people that I'm no longer with you when they decide to ask about us. I can't even see my econs camp friends face to face because it's so ridiculous that I have to break the news to them that I'm no longer with you and bear their empathetic looks and their asking "are you okay?" when clearly I am. And much of the econs camp was built on all this share-your-relationship-information-because-if-you-wanna-be-close-you-share which was with you, so they tend to ask about you most. Guess it's time to tell them the "don't wanna talk about it story" nana suggested.

The reason why I'm ranting about this is because Jingxian, whom I adore, would always ask me about comms ball and comms parade, cos she assumes I'm going. And she just asked me if I was going. And she would tell me the date. Which I totally wouldn't mind if I were actually attached because that's really sweet (coming from her POV). But I'm fucking not and whenever she tells me the brain my scumbag brain would make a mental note even though I make an effort to forget it. The last date she told me (19jan) was such a horrific, bad day. This time, I know what to do already, I'll keep myself busy and meet people like I always do a few times a week.

Time to remove all the stupid items from plain sight.

And fyi, this is not how I feel all the time, it's only that select few moments per week then I'll suddenly think of you. I'm just ranting cos two separate people asked me about you today. Gosh.

The actual day of the Heartland Tour was yesterday!

After a month of preparation it finally came down to the actual event and boy, was the turnout rate for both facilitators and participants good! Really must thank all of them and jiajia for helping me get so many ppl:)

Super tired yesterday, went to sleep at 1+, woke up at 8.30 for work. In the end I took an afternoon nap from 2.30-4pm :o exhausteddd!

Ate at Malaysia Boleh for lunch and saw Siewsy working. Oh, and Malaysia boleh is really yumz!!! The char kway teow was SO GOOD, and the oyster omelette and claypot rice as well!

Rawr school's starting next week. Can't wait! And I'll be overloading German in the end. Haha! Still considering whether i should take the 8-10am lesson or the 4-6pm one.. Hmm.

Sometimes I really wonder if you're thinking about me like how crazily I'm thinking of you..

Feeling the urge to just contact you and ask how you're doing but resisting it so much cos I know you're most likely having a good time without me anyway. And nothing good will come out of contacting you anyway, because I need to learn how to live without you dominating my thoughts.

First post of 2014!