Haven't been on this space for quite some time alreadyyy. Ah well, it's not like people'll read this blog anyway! Therefore, ...

Just wanted to write about how foolish I was to announce my being attached to my friends, and then having to explain myself to the people around me when they ask about you. You whom I wanted so badly to forget and ignore but stubbornly refuse to throw away the things that remind me of us. This is because I keep telling myself I am strong and mature enough to handle this and be able to see that you were clearly not the one so I wouldn't need to rely on those cheap tricks.

I guess tell people you're attached is what people in a healthy relationship do. They feel happy and overjoyed and are proud to announce that they have someone they cherish and want people to know this wonderful person they are dating. At least, that's what I believed. So that was what I did, announcing to people I was attached and telling them about the stuff we/you would do. Because I had the confidence that you were someone who would protect me and make me happy, and I would want people to know that we're together.

But that wasn't what you did, I felt. Maybe because you saw it coming. Maybe because you knew it was going to be over so you should minimise all this. But I was never prepared. At one point in time I actually was and I saw it coming but I convinced myself over the course of 2 weeks that you weren't so unreasonable and irrational, I mean dude, "lost the feeling and I don't know why"?!. That's why I cried when you actually told me that. Because up to the second before you told me we should break up, I was confident you won't do it. Yes.. if only I knew how to be that confident when it comes to all other aspects of my life.

I hate it that every now and then I have to explain to people that I'm no longer with you when they decide to ask about us. I can't even see my econs camp friends face to face because it's so ridiculous that I have to break the news to them that I'm no longer with you and bear their empathetic looks and their asking "are you okay?" when clearly I am. And much of the econs camp was built on all this share-your-relationship-information-because-if-you-wanna-be-close-you-share which was with you, so they tend to ask about you most. Guess it's time to tell them the "don't wanna talk about it story" nana suggested.

The reason why I'm ranting about this is because Jingxian, whom I adore, would always ask me about comms ball and comms parade, cos she assumes I'm going. And she just asked me if I was going. And she would tell me the date. Which I totally wouldn't mind if I were actually attached because that's really sweet (coming from her POV). But I'm fucking not and whenever she tells me the brain my scumbag brain would make a mental note even though I make an effort to forget it. The last date she told me (19jan) was such a horrific, bad day. This time, I know what to do already, I'll keep myself busy and meet people like I always do a few times a week.

Time to remove all the stupid items from plain sight.

And fyi, this is not how I feel all the time, it's only that select few moments per week then I'll suddenly think of you. I'm just ranting cos two separate people asked me about you today. Gosh.

Haven't been on this space for quite some time alreadyyy. Ah well, it's not like people'll read this blog anyway! Therefore, ...

Just wanted to write about how foolish I was to announce my being attached to my friends, and then having to explain myself to the people around me when they ask about you. You whom I wanted so badly to forget and ignore but stubbornly refuse to throw away the things that remind me of us. This is because I keep telling myself I am strong and mature enough to handle this and be able to see that you were clearly not the one so I wouldn't need to rely on those cheap tricks.

I guess tell people you're attached is what people in a healthy relationship do. They feel happy and overjoyed and are proud to announce that they have someone they cherish and want people to know this wonderful person they are dating. At least, that's what I believed. So that was what I did, announcing to people I was attached and telling them about the stuff we/you would do. Because I had the confidence that you were someone who would protect me and make me happy, and I would want people to know that we're together.

But that wasn't what you did, I felt. Maybe because you saw it coming. Maybe because you knew it was going to be over so you should minimise all this. But I was never prepared. At one point in time I actually was and I saw it coming but I convinced myself over the course of 2 weeks that you weren't so unreasonable and irrational, I mean dude, "lost the feeling and I don't know why"?!. That's why I cried when you actually told me that. Because up to the second before you told me we should break up, I was confident you won't do it. Yes.. if only I knew how to be that confident when it comes to all other aspects of my life.

I hate it that every now and then I have to explain to people that I'm no longer with you when they decide to ask about us. I can't even see my econs camp friends face to face because it's so ridiculous that I have to break the news to them that I'm no longer with you and bear their empathetic looks and their asking "are you okay?" when clearly I am. And much of the econs camp was built on all this share-your-relationship-information-because-if-you-wanna-be-close-you-share which was with you, so they tend to ask about you most. Guess it's time to tell them the "don't wanna talk about it story" nana suggested.

The reason why I'm ranting about this is because Jingxian, whom I adore, would always ask me about comms ball and comms parade, cos she assumes I'm going. And she just asked me if I was going. And she would tell me the date. Which I totally wouldn't mind if I were actually attached because that's really sweet (coming from her POV). But I'm fucking not and whenever she tells me the brain my scumbag brain would make a mental note even though I make an effort to forget it. The last date she told me (19jan) was such a horrific, bad day. This time, I know what to do already, I'll keep myself busy and meet people like I always do a few times a week.

Time to remove all the stupid items from plain sight.

And fyi, this is not how I feel all the time, it's only that select few moments per week then I'll suddenly think of you. I'm just ranting cos two separate people asked me about you today. Gosh.